Abusive Men: Top 10 Ways to Spot an Abusive Man
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2007
by Stephany Alexander
Abusive men seem to think that there is a reason behind every woman’s actions and words. They are always under the assumptions that women are trying to influence them. Often, they frequently suspect her of doing things that they are not guilty of and they are easily irritated by her, especially when she is in a good mood. These men may feel they love these women but emotionally they do not “like" them. The most important aspect of any relationship should be mutual espect. Unfortunately abusive men always strive to project themselves in a favorable light and put her down. They thrive on making her feel inferior in all things. The object is to tear her down to make her feel weak, insecure and co-dependent. It is a double-edged sword: a no win situation or a do or die situation. The woman spends years trying to prove that she is not bad but they are kept on deaf ears. No matter what she does, he doesn’t care so it is futile for her to try to prove she is worthwhile.
Recent study shows that 2/3rd of all marriages will experience domestic violence at least once in their lifetime.One shocking discovery from a study found that 37% of pregnant women, across all class, race, and educational lines, were abused physically during pregnancy. In all there are 4,000,000 women who are assaulted by their partners. You can view the results here
When it comes to discussing about abusive men, the most popular name, which comes to everybody’s mind, is Mike Tyson. This is because he has been involved in a series of accusations, which are often the tell-tale signs of an abusive man. He has two divorces, a rape conviction and other sexual assault accusations to his credit. He always asserts that a female reporter should not interview him unless and until he "fornicates with them". Check out this link
1. He has got a history of drug abuse and/or alcohol, and possibly violence.
2. He has record of being arrested for domestic violence. Do your homework and if possible the background check to know more about him.
3. He has a poor or no relationship with his mother or ex partners.
4. He speaks negatively about all his past relationships, blaming them always. If at all possible, try to speak to these women to hear their point of view. If he badmouths them, you may be next.
5. He exhibits an over-bearing, aggressive personality. You may be attracted by his apparent confidence, strength, determination and aggressive personality – the kind of qualities you think you lack. However, this personality type can also be a red flag for abusive behavior.
6. He talks at length, dragging about himself.
7. He expects a big return on his venture. He may seem happy to put your needs and wishes first for a little while, but it will not be long before he throws it in your face by saying: “Look at everything I do for you. You owe me!"
8.The relationship moves forward very quick. Abusive men persuade as fast as they can. They know that they cannot sustain consistent good behavior for very long. Good behavior does not give them the pay off they want, controlling through abuse does.
9. You catch him telling lies. There are areas of his life that he is not telling you about or is lying to you about because he may lose you.
10.He is interested in everything you have to say and coincidentally always agrees. This is a sneaky technique called mirroring and can later be used to control you by developing trust.
Any of the above must be considered as an important warning sign of an Abusive Men. If you hear any alarms going off in your head, listen to them carefully and act on them. An ounce of prevention can avert a lifetime of heartache.
Stephany Alexander is the founder of http://www.WomanSavers.com the World's Largest Database Rating Men. She has been quoted on CNN, Fox Nationwide, the New York Times, and more. She has created over 10 women's comedy cartoon ecards, 6 women's online games. She has been guest on hundreds of radio shows. For more information or to interview, please email womansavers@womansavers.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Having unfortunately lived through this and incredibly returned to the abuser several times I find this article very acurate. These men(or women) will prey on your innate decency,guilt and have you truly believing you are crazy and to blame. You are not stupid,just brainwashed.Leaving and having no contact is the only solution.
wow. i just got out of one that moved so fast my head spun and i ended up feeling completely inadequate/lousy and everything was always my fault, but wait, he always said he loved me. thank god it's over!! beware the god-complexes. thanks Stephany!
Thank you for this information. i was beatened today. hit/punched/slapped and smothered. I cant wait to get out of this relationship.
After 1 1/2 years I finally broke all contact with my lover. Haven't heard from him in three weeks and I hope it stays that way. I always went back after his pleading.The tips are very accurate. I always thought it was my fault, but I know now it's not. He put me down, slapped me, said he was to good for me and then turn around and say I was great and he didn't deserve me. (sigh).
These tips give me strenght to stay away. I deserve better. It's not my fault I couldn't make this relationship work, he didn't want it to work.
i really love my partner,i still do after everything he has done.I dont feel like a women anymore,i have lost my confidence,am finding it hard to go out the house.He has rang twice today,and hearing his voice made me sad,even though he blames me for not helping him.But what can you do?I hope i can get over this ordeal and move on,am 25 and i no i cud do better.
I have two young babies...20 and 4 months and I am trapped in a marriage to an abusive husband who is the most convincing liar. I wish I had seen this article before my babies were born so I could have left him. Now he uses the children to keep me hostage here and I cannot return to my home country to see my family. He is convincing everyone that I have post partum depression and denies hitting me and intimidating me with his aggressive behaviour and let-downs. I have to buy my own food with money that my family sends for me because he has only recently started giving me 20 dollars every two weeks....and even that he does not give me and denies that he has skipped payments. He lies and tells counsellors that i tried to grab my baby from him....when the truth is that the baby was sleeping on my lap...he got mad at me and grabbed her to take her away from me like he always does. He grabbed her arms and pulled, jarring her awake. I said he was going to hurt her. He just yelled at me and continued to pull, so I quickly let go so she would not get hurt. I hope what I have said will save another woman from becoming a trapped victim with two innocent babies to protect like me.
When I was pregnant by ex became more abusive then when I wasn't pregnant. He was a jerk from the start: psychotic, abusive, insecure, jealous, cheating, etc... when I get pregnant he took his psycho nature to a whole other level-- became more abusive- took a lover and tried to move her into our home- would kick me out and make me leave-- etc... I truly believe that communities should work on: stopping men from being psychotic and assisting women leave psychotic men. I actually think the law of police/prosecutors pressing charges without the woman's consent is good. Abusive individuals must be punished & rehabilitated. Laws are put into place to protect people from themselves and women putting up with abusive men is almost the same as someone addicted to drugs-- they are harming themselves. Women who defend abusive men put other women at risk and put their life on the line every day they are with that man.I really hope that women who are with abusive men try to get away from that man. I know a guy who will remain nameless but it is rumored he is abusive & he & I are just friends therefore I have not seen the bad side of him. As a friend I would like to see this guy get the help he needs as to stop abusing women. The women in which he abuses probably wants him beaten down. The point being-- abusive men need to be incarcerated but they also need to be rehabilitated while incarcerated or they will continue to abuse people. I hope that people in abusive relationships find their inner strength & leave the person & also press charges. If you do not press charges he will be free to terrorize another innocent victim.Women -- abusive men like every other criminal will attempt to rationalize irrational/illegal behavior with lies. Do not let a man make you feel you "deserve" his abuse.
I have left my husband of 20 years! I was so scared and nervous, but I did it! I went to a womens shelter for 3 months with my children. Then I got my own house. He is still stalking me though. He is still doing everything to get me back. I will remain strong. I want to show my kids that its not ok to treat a woman that way.
I spent one year with an abusive man. He was controlling, EXTREMELY JEALOUS. A liar and a cheater. You would never guess he was that kind of person. He is clean cut, has children and a job. I was niave in thinking that abusive men would look abusive in their appearance...lol... No, they are capable of hiding their true nature to the outside world. They are like an iceberg. What is underneath, hidden, is extremely dangerous and could kill you. The first time i saw him, I didn't listen to my intuition. Which was loud and clear. DO NOT GO THERE!!!! He moved extremely fast in the relationship. Proposed marriage within 6 months. Was attentive to everything I liked and made sure he went over the top to look like the best catch. It was one scary relationship and I am shocked that I even stayed as long as I did.
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